Feelings of shame can be one of the most destructive sentiments that we can hold. But this doesn’t mean that shame is bad. It also doesn’t mean that shame is good.
Let’s take a look at how the feelings of shame can be useful, and where the feelings may be taking a heavy toll in our lives.
The Value of Shame
The value of shame comes as a human response that naturally arises when our actions are out of alignment with our personal values.
Let’s take the example of a man that aspires to be a good husband. His belief is that a good husband is always open and honest with his wife. The man in our example wants to be a good husband but he has a gambling addiction that he hides from his wife.
He feels shame for the addiction but in the start of their relationship it’s only for small amounts and he doesn’t gamble very often. At first, the gambling might start with small and insignificant amounts and transactions. As time goes on, he finds that the gambling serves as an outlet for the stress in life. As a result, he may start gambling with greater amounts and taking greater risks with his betting, and with greater frequency.
The feelings of shame are telling him that he is not in alignment with his value of being open and honest with his wife in order to be a good husband.
In other words, this is where the feelings of shame are a benefit to us. The feelings help to bring us awareness in order to change our behaviors.
The Misplaced Shame
But what if this man embodies several other characteristics that many people would see as very admirable “good husband” qualities? He is a devoted husband and father. He is a good provider. He may even attend church every Sunday and is a recognized figure in his community.
The man may acknowledge the other aspects of his life, and still continue to hide the shame of his gambling addiction. This shame can then cause secondary unexpected behaviors.
Buried Feelings of Shame
Feelings of shame demand to stay hidden. This is the burden of carrying shame. We feel that we need to hide from our own feelings. As a result, we often develop secondary behaviors to protect ourselves from feeling the shame.
Our friend with the gambling addiction may start to get angry and frustrated over his losses. He may also rationalize his behavior with celebration when he is winning.
But underlying the gambling addiction is another layer of past hurt. It could be feelings of unworthiness. So he then gambles to prove his worth to himself. The underlying feelings and emotions will be specific to each person but they are always present.
Overcoming Feelings Shame
- AcceptanceOne of the single most beneficial steps that I use when helping people to overcome their feelings of shame is applying the energy of Acceptance. We are not saying that the feelings of shame are either good or bad. We are simply saying that the feelings are present.
The beliefs upon which the shame is coming from is not relevant in Step 1. It isn’t important in this initial step to define the characteristics of a good husband. It’s not even necessary to agree if a good husband should be open and honest with his wife.
The first step is to simply acknowledge the feelings of shame exist within yourself. - Allow memories, feelings or images to surface while you are acknowledging and feeling the shame.
This isn’t always easy, but it is simple. As we allow feelings to surface we begin to see the underlying reasons that we have for holding the feelings in place and the demand to keep the feelings hidden.
There is nothing to do at this step, simply acknowledge the feelings
- Show compassion to yourself.As we allow for acknowledgement of our feelings it is highly beneficial to show compassion and empathy for the compassion for your own younger-self that went through hard experiences in the past.
Acceptance is not saying that the past experiences were either good or bad. Acceptance is also not saying that the feelings are right or wrong.
Acceptance is simply saying that you acknowledge that the past events did happen, and that the feelings are present. This is showing compassion to your own self. - Ask for help.
This is probably the most difficult step for most people. And yet, it is the step that is most available and with reach for all of us.
Asking for help can be from a counselor, a therapist, a trusted friend, or even an energy healer! Having the outside perspective of another person can be transformative.
Shifting From Shame to Grace
Are you ready to move beyond the feelings of shame and the costs that it’s taken in your life?
There is a profound difference between the paralyzing grip of toxic shame and the light of healthy, transformative. Toxic shame locks us in a freeze response, leaving us stranded in a cycle of self-loathing.
If you are struggling with heavy, lingering emotions, you do not have to carry them alone. I believe that there are times when having another person help to guide you can really be a transformative experience.
This is the reason that I encourage everyone to reach out for help when it comes to resolving issues that are difficult or seemingly impossible to work through on your own. Another person can help you to allow your emotions to be witnessed, released, and channeled into living a beautiful, authentic life.
For dedicated support on your inner emotional journey, personalized practices, and guidance in releasing stuck energies, connect with the Soul Healing Therapy Services to take your first courageous step toward healing today.
